How to ask for help: we underestimate how willing others are
Social ConnectionKey points
- We underestimate others’ willingness to help by about half.
- A direct request works better than hints.
- Saying no is harder for people than askers assume.
- Social support buffers stress.
What the research shows
In a series of experiments, Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake asked participants to estimate how many strangers they would need to approach before a certain number agreed to help, for example by filling out a questionnaire or lending a phone. Participants overestimated the number of people they would need to ask by about a factor of two: in reality, far more people said yes. Askers underestimated how awkward it feels for others to say no (Flynn & Lake, 2008).
People also underestimate how much others enjoy connecting (Epley & Schroeder, 2014), and social support protects against the effects of stress (Cohen & Wills, 1985).
How to ask
- Be direct and specific.
- Ask in person or by phone when possible.
- Explain why it matters to you.
- Make it easy to say no; ironically, that often makes people more willing.
- Say thank you and offer help in return when you can.
Frequently asked questions
Why is asking for help so hard?
We worry about being a burden or being rejected, and we overestimate how likely others are to say no.
How do I ask?
Be specific and direct: "Could you help me move on Saturday morning?" rather than hinting.
Sources
- Flynn et al. (2008). If you need help, just ask: Underestimating compliance with direct requests for help.. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 95(1):128-143. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.95.1.128
- Cohen et al. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis.. Psychological Bulletin 98(2):310-357. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.98.2.310
- Epley et al. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude.. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General 143(5):1980-1999. doi:10.1037/a0037323
Keep reading
Positive childhood experiences: how they protect adult mental health
What a study of 6,000 adults found about positive childhood experiences, depression and relationships, and what parents and other adults can do.
Social ConnectionGratitude in relationships: small things that strengthen a couple
What a daily diary study of couples found about gratitude and relationship satisfaction, and simple ways to show appreciation every day.
Social ConnectionSocial prescribing: when a doctor "prescribes" community
What social prescribing is, why it makes sense given the evidence on social connection, what we know about its effectiveness and how to try it yourself.
Related topics from other pillars
Social Connection tools
Three-item loneliness scale (UCLA-3)
Three questions used in major U.S. studies of loneliness.
QuizDe Jong Gierveld loneliness scale (6 items)
Measures emotional and social loneliness.
QuizOslo Social Support Scale (OSSS-3)
Three questions about who you can count on.
PDF · WorksheetMy connections map
A worksheet for mapping your social network and planning contact.
PDF · Tracker"One get-together a week" tracker
A monthly tracker of social contact.
PDF · CardsFamily dinner conversation cards
24 questions for phone-free conversation at the table.